Raw.

Today was G's 18 month well baby appointment {18 months?! WHAT?!}... I woke up this morning in a good mood, regardless of the immense lack of sleep I've been getting lately. John and I rushed to get ourselves and G ready and out the door we went.

Fast forward, we're in the room with the doctor. Everything is going great. Thinks G looks great, is growing great, is interactive, and let's be honest, just plain awesome. Relief was beginning to set in, as I've been nervous about the milestones G hasn't been hitting.

And then she walked in.

"Um, Dr M. You need to see his CHATT." She handed the highlighted page to our son's peed and lightness completely left the room.

"So, he's not pointing for things?" Dr M asked, his usual jovial attitude gone.

"Well, no. He doesn't really use his hands much." I muttered. My heart sank. I knew where this was going. The same place my anxiety had taken this conversation twenty times over.

"Hmmm, I see. How about cars and trucks? Does he play with them the way they should be played with? Or does he just mouth them and fiddle?"

"Everything goes in his mouth basically," I answered cautiously.

"He's more into books really, he's a reader." John jumped in. He was sure this conversation was pointless. Nothing wrong with his son. And if there was? So what.

"Interesting. What about asking for things? Do you give him choices?" And there it was, the one question I was dreading.

"Well, no. I think that's really my fault considering I know his routine really well and he'll eat any and everything I put in front of him." I was on the verge of tears. I knew what was coming next.

"Honestly, I don't think you have anything to be worried about. I think he's just being a boy and is a bit delayed. But because he is showing a delay in more areas then just speech, I think we need to have him evaluated by Early Childhood Intervention. Just so you know, the paperwork will say delayed milestones and that's exactly what I think this is, but I can't say for sure."

Then the tears came and they haven't stopped since.

Why is this such a big deal to you? Those are the words my husband has been asking me all day. I guess the answer is I want my baby to be perfect. I want his life to be easy. Does that make me selfish? The more I've thought about the possibility of G being on the Autism Spectrum, the more angry I've become.

But he's social. He makes great eye contact. He laughs. He smiles. So, why do I have to worry about this? Why can't we just let him progress the way he needs to? I mean, do normal 18 month olds have conversations and point all day long? I don't know the answer, I thought G was normal.

So, this is where I sit. Angry, Saddened and Confused. It's been a day of tears. So. Many. Tears. And the question I keep asking myself is, for what? Honestly, I'm afraid. Afraid for G. Afraid for me. Afraid for what's in store if he is indeed autistic. And let's not forget the hormones. I am six months pregnant here people.

It has ended up being an extremely long day. I'm emotionally drained to the core and I'm ready for tomorrow. Hoping the emotion will not be so raw. Hoping the evaluation brings good news. Regardless of both, I still get to wake up and see this face...

And for that? I can't complain.

19 WEEKS!!!

I know 19 weeks is sort of a funny place to begin charting a pregnancy, but I've been incredibly tired and let's face it... LAZY... But, here she is. A full blown pregnancy update. I'm planning on writing another one after the Anatomy Scan... To tell you all about gender, the name we've picked out and all of that good stuff. It's coming so soon! Less than two weeks! I'm very excited... Anywho, finally... I give you, my very first pregnancy update on our second little bambino.

Mostly chub still and I look how I feel... HAGGARD. :D

How far along? 19 weeks today!!

Maternity clothes? Just started wearing maternity jeans. Nothing else in my closet fits right now unfortunately, besides pajamas. I'm not going to lie, there have been a few tears shed... I wore my regular clothes with G until I hit the 30 week mark!

Weight Gain? Since my first doc's appt at 5 weeks, I've lost 12 pounds.

Stretch Marks? Nothing yet, but I got some pretty killer ones from G, so maybe I'm just not noticing the new additions?

Sleep? There was a period where I was not sleeping AT ALL. Now I'm beginning to fall into an okay pattern. I still need a nap everyday, but I'm not a zombie like I was for a short time.

Movement? Tons of movement! Been feeling flutters here and there for weeks, but for the last few days I've been feeling movement during the day and at night... Much more frequent at night. This is by far my favorite part of pregnancy.

Gender? I'm 90% sure of the gender, but I don't want to reveal until after our Anatomy Scan on March 30th. Just want to make sure, because we found out super early.

What I Miss? Energy. My energy level is a joke. Which makes my moods nearly unbearable. Plus, G deserves to be chased around and tackled and tickled silly... but I just don't have it in me at the moment.

Symptoms? Oh man, ready for the groaning? Constant nausea. Occasional vomiting, which is being well controlled at the moment by Zofran. Heartburn. Intense headaches. Lethargy. MOOD SWINGS. I didn't have mood swings with G, so this has been new and unfortunate for John.

Food cravings? So. Many. Cravings. Watermelon. Cucumber and Beet Salads. Ice Cream. Milk with ice. Taco Bell. I still get sick once I finally get to eat this stuff... but my brain obsesses to no avail sometimes!

Labor signs? Nope. Had a rough night the other night... and thought I might be going into premature labor, but it ended up being kidney stones. Hooray! {sarcasm, people...}

Belly button in or out?  Caved in and disgusting in tight shirts. Hoping it'll fill out a tad.

What I’m Looking Forward to? The Anatomy Scan. Really hoping to see tons of growth and finally give me closure on the whole gender thing. I have been having some insane dreams about it.

Weekly Wisdom?  DRINK LOTS OF FLUIDS. I need to strap an IV to myself. I have no idea why I can keep the toddler's sippy full of water all day long... and can't keep my own full.

Milestones? Finally getting SLEEP. Having regular movement. It's been a good week.

One of those days.

Since G morphed into a toddler, it's been a rare occurrence for me to have a worry-free day with him. You know, one of those days where you don't think for one second, "Why isn't he talking? Why doesn't he point, clap or use a spoon? WHAT AM I DOING WRONG?!"

Until today...

People, today was amazing. If I could rewind and do it all over again, I would in a heartbeat. I didn't think about how worried I was about him or the fact that I'm tired and achy and pukey pregnant. And for this, I believe, he rewarded me kindly.

G used the word, "Mommy" today for the first time in ages... And he knew who he was talking about.

He said, "Ball" when I asked him what his bright shiny blue {heh, heh} ball was.

He laughed uncontrollably when I tickled him tonight and kept urging me to continue tickling.

HE POINTED AT THE DOG. {He rarely, if ever, points... At anything...}

He put the balls in the holes I asked him to on the Fischer Price Dragon toy.

He ate EVERY bite from every meal today.

He took a solid two hour nap, without fighting it.

... And? He hugged me. Hard. With purpose.

Yep, if I could do one day all over again? It would be today. Because today, I celebrated my toddler for who he is and what he CAN do. Not worrying about what he can't, isn't, will get to in his own time.

G, you are an amazingly awesome, special kid and I love you like crazy.

Love,

think positive thoughts...

welp, secret's out. we're expecting our second baby. it's sort of unreal. I don't know what to think just yet. I've gone from over the moon excited to downright terrified. there have been many thoughts of how amazing it's going to be for g to have a sibling... followed directly with why did I do this so soon? g isn't going to be an only child anymore! needless to say, I've been a joy to be around.

I'm not the best pregnant person on the planet. with g I had "morning sickness" all throughout my pregnancy. in fact, the last time I vomited, was while I was pushing him out. {nice visual, I'm sure}... the morning sickness has already started this time around and I am less than thrilled. everyone tells you every pregnancy is different... well, I'm here to tell you... they lie. so far, I am chugging right along at the very same pace as last time... miserable.

which brings me to why I am even writing this chipper piece of blogging gold... STOP. this is probably my last pregnancy. probably my last baby. I do not want to wish this pregnancy away like I did with g. I think john and I have both decided I can't do this again... physically. especially with TWO babies to chase around... and let's not even get started with the financial aspect. I've always thought I wanted a bigger family... but the more I think about it logically... the more two sounds like the perfect number.

so... my new year's resolution is that I would like to at least TRY and maintain a positive attitude. yes, puking sucks. puking everyday is sort of like, well... hell. not to mention the mood swings, the lethargy, the back pain, the sleep trouble and the list goes on... {I am not a "glowing" pregnant person... outside of the puke sheen...} but! in the end, I'm going to have another beautiful baby. and that is where my head needs to be. BABY, sara. BABY.

well, there you have it. I am going to try and stay married {remember those mood swings I was telling you about?} and keep my head out of my butt. that's all for now. nighty night friends.

our newest little shrimpy! our first sono, about two weeks ago.

Love,

christmastime.

so much to tell. so little time. let's just say, I've got a toddler that decided it's a better idea to have molars come through before his 3rd and 4th bottom teeth... and it hasn't been pleasant... so, sorry to say... this is going to be rushed...

but, hi!

christmastime is here and it's been one of the first christmas' I have not been stressing about finances or worrying that someone won't like what we're sending. we decided to be honest this year and say, "hey! we're only doing cards. it doesn't mean we don't love you. it means we don't want to dig ourselves into debt... for you." christmas doesn't exactly sneak up on you, but it felt that way this year. sounds awful, I suppose... but it's the truth... and to tell YOU the truth? it's liberating. you should try it. people still know we love them... and it will not always be this way...

in happier news, we took g to see some lights tonight at the texas motor speedway. he had a BALL. I literally have not seen him that excited over anything in a while. he sat on my lap in the front seat while john drove and he grinned... the entire time. we're definitely making it a texas tradition. while we were there, we got his first picture with santa! I thought he'd be all smiles... but in g fashion, he surprised me with this...

which is sort of the beginning of a cry, but not quite sure if he wants to put the effort in it. nevertheless, the perfect first santa picture in my opinion...

that's all for now. remember that teething toddler I told you about? yeah. him. he needs his mama. until next time... toodloo!

holy crazyness.

it has been an insane couple of weeks. I don't even know where to start.

lost my engagement ring. luckily it was insured. got a new one... like it ten times better than the first... crazy how that happens sometimes.

john's up for a promotion. so of course, he's been working more hours and we've been seeing less of him. hate that part, but if he gets it... it'll be worth it... and if he gets it, he goes back to days. which I cannot even tell you how amazing it will be to have him home for dinner every night again.

I have been super social! I'm so proud of myself. not gonna lie, since G was born... this has been a real struggle for me. I think part of it is I sometimes doubt my parenting skills... so being out and about with other mamas kind of intimidated me at first... but now? whatever. I love my kid. he's a really cool kid. must be doing something right. and?! I'm making friends... so it's a win win. get over an insecurity and meet some awesome people...

texas has really grown on me. I love the area we live in. we're sort of in an area that is experiencing a ton of growth... so even though it's sort of out in the country (we're in a subdivision... but there's not much around us...) it's coming. we won't be in the country for long. which is a pity... but I'm enjoying it for now. love the food here. the people are a lot more open than connectictut. there's TONS to do with the kiddo. we've been spending a ton of time at the library (G? is a total bookworm... like his mama...) which I love. it's just nice to feel at home. it's been a lonnnnng time since I've had that.

so, yes. I'm been spacey with the whole blogging thing. I don't know how you mamas fit this in everyday! I guess I just have to try!

oh and also! we got family pics done! G was super grouchy that day... so I'm not sure how we got good ones... but I suppose that's what the photographer is for? speaking of... we have an awesome photog, her name is Kati Mendez and her website is memoriesheldstill.com - if you're looking in the north fort worth/dallas area... she's great! here's a sampling... didn't they turn out cute?

anywho, hope this reaches you all well... I'll be back soon! promise!

we're ALIVE!

hey! so, it's been a crazy month... as per usual it seems. john brought home the flu and promptly handed it to me... so we're still nursing ourselves back to health. two least favorite things about the flu? missing breaking dawn with my girls {priorities, people!} and having your whole body feel like it's going to break, but still having to take care of a small human who thinks you're just being a jerk. that said? he was sort of a trooper! I give you, the many faces of g - while his parents are sick...

all of a sudden he thinks he's a big boy. the top corner pic shows him hanging out in his boppy watchin' veggie tales... that thing did NOTHING for me when it came to nursing, but now? he. loves. it. we relied heavily on it for the last couple of days. along with his pack n play and lots of pooh, veggie tales and yo gabba gabba. don't judge. I literally had my body go on strike.

anywho, hope this reaches you better than it left me... just thought we'd check in! {oh and p.s. can you believe this kid is 13 months old?! what in the?!}

toodloo,